Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhh

it's nearly Christmas.

I just found out. I am immune to shopping ads. But I read Bean Sprout's post and then the loomingness of the season sank in. I suck at Christmas. I shudder and recoil. I forget and am disorganised. I have a few good intentions and they are the best it gets. I haven't sent Christmas cards since, um well, since, maybe the early 1990s? I do remember sending some back in 1990 when I was a university student and I hand made each one with a Denis Glover verse on the front.

I hang out with people (online definitely but also locally) who are gorgeous at Christmas. They can probably remember all their nieces and nephews-in-law without counting. In my defence, there are quite a few of them.

I have done something. Two things. Perhaps it's not so bad after all until you remember that good women in the run-up to Christmas do at least 1007 things. I've bought my Mum a present. Actually I meant to buy it for her birthday in May, so seven months later isn't all bad. It's a book which has one of our relatives in it but she doesn't know that. Sometimes it is hard to keep a secret but it is easier with your Mum because unless you were angelic as a teenager, you got a bit of practise at keeping secrets from your parents back then. I'm gifting it from my sister as well as I never got round to paying her my half for last year's parental Christmas present.

I haven't stumbled over any books with my Dad's relatives in it.

What was the other thing? Oh yes, we bought Fionn a bike last month. An early Christmas present. We ran out of money last year and then didn't get organised all winter either. I thought early would be nice so he could get riding and also because I really am so ghastly that I don't much appreciate the huge volumes of things my children get for Christmas because a) there are huge volumes of it and b) as a consequence Fionn hardly notices who gave him what. I kind of like giving things to my children. I try and remember other people feel this way but I still forget. I am ungracious like that.

For the last two years I have been meaning to get a photo of the four of us and make copies and turn them into Christmas tree decorations. and send them to all our siblings and parents. Both sides. Not in January. So far I haven't done it ever. Perhaps that could be my project.

As for the day itself. I'm no good at that either. Fionn turns six not long after Christmas and I think we'll have family over for that celebration again instead as that worked well last year. But the actual Christmas Day? I just wanna hide. Last year we were going to go camping but it poured with rain and 11 month old baby camping in pouring rain for two days wasn't going to work for any of us. May be we'll get better weather this year.

Anyway, while I was on a chair, getting down the chillybin this morning for the fish to be left in so my kind fishbuying friend didn't have to be exposed to the state of my fridge while I was out ...while I was up there I noticed we have an entire bottle of schnapps. Maybe peach schnapps. I'm not climbing up there again to check. What shall I do with that? Yes I know I could down it to block out the fear of Christmas, but I do try and be a grown up these days. I mean is there yummy food I could make with it or should I play cocktails and if so then what?